Growing up down here in the Rio Grande Valley I've never been much of a "going out" type person. Not so much because I don't enjoy a night out on the town, but rather because, for the longest time, a night out in the valley meant your choice of Eating or Shopping, or if you're feeling especially fiesty, Eating THEN Shopping.
While this is certainly not any less true today (I think we just opened our 2000th Chinese buffet), I was both surprised and pleased to discover that somewhere along the way, a few more entertainment opportunities surfaced, specifically in this case, a monthly comedy show at Cine El Rey. Now, I am a HUGE fan of stand up comedy, and was thrilled at the chance to see a professional comedian like Chris Mata live on stage. Plus, since it was taking place at El Rey, it gave me a chance to check out this new "17th Street Entertainment District" that the area seems intent on selling...
The idea is to create an entertainment beacon where people can wander the streets, checking out clubs, diners, and shows. I'm all for the idea; it sounds like fun and a legitimate excuse to finally get out of the hosue and DO something... And everything would have worked out great if not for one fatal flaw: Downtown McAllen is located in the Valley. And it shows...
I think the best way to summarize my experience at the show is with an exasperated "SHUT THE FUCK UP ASSHOLES!" Sweet mother of Jesus the audience would NOT STOP TALKING. Even though the comics had microphones, I still had to strain my ear filters to block out all the murmurs of the crowd... Why in the hell would these people bother to get dressed, come to a show, pay $15 a ticket just to completely IGNORE the show and have a conversation?
What is SO FUCKING IMPORTANT that you can't wait TWO HOURS to talk about it? Or at the very least, at the most minimal end of the decency spectrum, can't you at LEAST fucking WHISPER?! Seriously, what does it take for you to lower your voice just a few fucking decibels so that others can enjoy the show? Is it so much to ask that you realize that you are not, in fact, the only person in the audience? Why did you even COME? JUST LEAVE and you can talk all you fucking want as loud as you want, just get the fuck out!
And then there were the hecklers. Now there's a few levels of heckling... There are times when you have a legitimate beef with something the comic said. You're offended. I can see that. Who could have anticipated that YOU would be the bald, fat, child-molesting, cat-raping hermaphrodite that a punchline landed on? It's nobody's fault, but I can see why you'd be angry...
But most hecklers are of the lowest common denominator, the lower life-forms, the drunk jackasses who ruin the show for everyone. In most normal societies, nobody likes them, and they learn to either shut the fuck up or get booted out of the show to the appreciation and applause of the relieved audeince... Yeah... that's how it's supposed to work... but here in the Valley, we PRIDE ourselves on our God-given right to be loud, rude, and obnoxious! It's all part of the fun! Everybody look at me! I'm LOUD RUDE AND OBNOXIOUS! Look at me LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME!!
Two individuals in particular who really ran with this idea of playing "Who can be the biggest asshole?" and these bitches were playing for KEEPS. They seriously could NOT keep their mouth shut, taking every opportunity to spout random things at the performer. They weren't even funny things, or relevant things. Eventually they weren't even coherent things, but rather an excuse to whore attention from the audience. Bitches, I didn't pay $15 a ticket to listen to your dumb ass yell random things at the stage... but I WOULD have paid $15 more to watch them drag your whore-ass out by your big fat mouth. Now THERE'S a show I could get into... But GOD FORBID the venue does ANYTHING about it. Hey like I said, it's just part of the fun!
So all in all a typical valley audience... but of course, all that wasn't enough, not for these jackals. Surely ruining the show for only just the audience is too easy! When we do something in the valley, we do it right, which is to say that we do it wrong. So very wrong...
It started innocently enough: a high roller up in the front row offered his compliments to the headliner comic Chris Mata by buying him a drink... while he was still on stage. One would think the decent and considerate thing to have done would have been to have waited until AFTER the performer completed his show to extend gratitude, but where's the fun in that? Mata graciously accepted, and much to the delight of everyone drank a toast to his new fan. With thanks, he put down his glass, finished his set flawlessly and brought the house down and everyone went home happy.
At least, that's what should have happened. And anywhere else in the world, it might have happened... Unfortunately, this show was taking place in the RGV, and we would have none of that! Finish a show without interruption? Without ruining it for everyone? Where do you think you are, somewhere not inside the lame-ass valley?
The man in the front row sent forth a second drink, which Mata enjoyed with a "oh you got me again". It was a nice joke for a little while, almost clever. But in true valley fashion, it went too far. And so, the drinks kept coming. In the classic valley me-too fashion, the audience, not content to leave well enough alone, wanted a piece of the action, sending drink after drink, backed with applause and the threat of dissent and disapproval if he refused to drink them down on the spot.
The drinks affected more than just the comic's soberiety; he would probably get through two-thirds of a setup before another drink would come, interrupting the joke and sending everyone in the audience into another childish uproar. Mata was forced to abandon several, if not all of his remaining jokes mid-delievery, at one point even telling the audience something along the lines of "there were at least two or three good punchlines to that one" before giving up.
Which is not to say he didn't try. Mata did all he could to remind people that this was, in fact, a comedy show, and not some fraternity initiation ritual where we get the new guy wasted. Realizing the audience didn't care about a professional stand-up set, he shifted to a more relaxed mode, saying 'I'm just going to talk about shit' and winging it.
And for the most part, he did well. For one to be a true, professional comedian, one must truly be funny, down to their very core. And Mata certainly filled this role, keeping the laughs coming even as he deviated from his prepared set. The highlight of the evening was when, exasperated from all the drinks, Mata admonished the audience saying "somebody buy me some FOOD!" and a few moments later, was rewarded with a taco, this time to the delight of Mata himself. If the chaos had peaked and ended there, we might very well have enjoyed a unique perspective on interactive comedy that might have revolutionized the industry...
But once again, the audience would have none of that! And again, the drinks kept coming. At this point, Mata was obviously past the point of no return, losing his place in jokes, even retelling some portions of them. It wasn't his fault; whenever he got started, another drink would come and he would lose his place. Plus those two bitches seemed to have accomplished the impossible feat of getting even LOUDER and STUPIDER...
And in a final "fuck you" from the audience, they began to turn. Some people were yelling out "get off the stage" and "we already heard that part!" No shit assholes you gave the guy like EIGHT shots inside of an hour and a half; what the fuck did you THINK was going to happen?! And as Mata strained to hit his closing joke, people began to leave. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. The audience that so wildly applauded their own inconsiderate incompetence were now angry with the turn they had taken the show.
To his credit, Mata did hit that last joke, and he finished his set on his feet, and I too stood up from my seat in turn to applaud him. Not only for his performance, but for surviving to the bitter end the horror and pathetic squalor that is a Valley Audience.
And all of this leaves me wondering: Why didn't the theater do anything about it? Why did they allow the drinks to keep coming? Did they think they were being "cool" or "funny"? The man is a professional comic; he doesn't need help from the audience especially those two dumb whores who wouldn't shut the fuck up. Why didn't the theater kick them out or at the VERY FUCKING LEAST ASK THEM TO SHUT THE FUCK UP?!
Chris Mata is an excellent comic, and I hope that I get a chance to see him again. Just not in the valley. If this is the level of entertainment quality we can expect from the famed "Entertainment District" then they can keep it.